This Old Self
Remember “This Old House,” the first home-improvement show, with Bob Villa?
After 30 years of meditation, I noticed that I could have been the house on that show.
I had spent most of my life, from the time I was 8, treating myself like an improvement project — a self-improvement project.
And the reason was simple: If I fixed me up just right — an addition here, removing a wall there, some new paint — I’d finally be truly happy.
“Happy” was shorthand for a lot of ideas of what I thought I wanted — calm, imperturbable, wise, admired, loved-by-all, etc.
And then I realized that I only believed certain things needed fixing was because of the idea of this imagined, improved, future.
In other words, it was my lack of self-acceptance that motivated a practice that says you should accept things as they are!
Or, better, I was trying to accept things as they were… so that things would CHANGE!
Am I the only one?
Once I got hip to this twisted motivation — and it was SUBTLE — I had to stop practicing.
Of course the obsessive interest I had with the workings of the mind didn’t go away (my parents got a note from the principal of my elementary school, saying, “Please ask Steven to stop hypnotizing the 5th grade class.”). And that’s what led to I AM… but more about that later.
What would your life be like if you couldn’t conceive of yourself as an improvement project?
Tags: spiritual growth //
Steven,
If I were to wake up one day and find that I had everything I ever wanted….I would still meditate to be close to spirit. We communicate with our fellow earth-dwelling beings daily (I include my cats, who are ever so attentive when I am talking to them), and I find it is a necessity to communicate with those in spirit also.
HA! Steven-do I know what you mean when you speak of the twisted motivation of accepting things as they are so that they would change. I was stuck in that for a long time……I wanted things to change so badly. I wanted to be anywhere but my painful ,awful life yet I knew-had heard and believed anyway- that wanting things to change is resistance to what is and only serves as glue for the very things you want to get rid of. So then I tried to not want what I wanted (everything to change) and pretent that I was O.K with the way things were (I wasn’t)…what a mess.
I think I am finally getting it…most days…that I have to always start from where I am. If I want things to change, then I have to be with wanting things to change-but I can also let go of that want.
Now on to the question
Hmmmm
If I didn’t see myself as an improvement project…I am getting that more and more-that I don’t need to be fixed and that my life doesn’t need to be fixed and it is great. I have more energy and much more of what I do feels easy. Day to day life is getting more exciting. I am happy doing what might be called the “mundane” and yet adventures present themselves. I am meeting like-minded people and my community is building without my having to push and search and toil. I have days where I still feel as if I have “problems” and “issues” but I am able to sit with them and let them go.
Steven,
I believe part of self-improvement is learning. I can’t conceive that I could ever become all knowing! At least I hope I would never be “ALL” knowing…Where would be the adventure in this thing I call my life???
Steven-
The truth is, Steven, although I haven’t demonstrated everything in my life, I meditate to realize the infinite abundance that is there for me always. I meditate to allow and make real that abundance in my life. Meditation is to stay in the “real”… and to step out of the illusion. Meditation is for me to realize ONENESS and total connection, infinite wisdom and infinite love.
Meditation is to connect with you as you BIRTH into a new year and touch you with love and blessings.
JoEllen
Bliss! The state of connectedness to everything and at peace with everything. In the co-creative power of the Universe listening for the next bit of wisdom to explore and experience. Like resting under the Bodhi tree counting clouds in the land of Oz, but without all those crazy monkeys in the branches.
this is a great post. what if we noticed that we actually loved that paint chip, and that torn lace, and that worn place in the sofa because they held so many memories of being loved and laughing.
thanks for a provocative idea.
Hi Steven,
About 6 months ago as I was heading into yet another “transition” or I would call it bardo, I found my self stopping in the middle of a worry, disgruntled mind trip and saying - oh there I go again, the pursuit of happiness game, it’s time to stop TRYING to figure out how to be happy. I find that I always start laughing whenever I remind myself of this - I mean like right out loud! And I always feel so relieved, light hearted and just joyous whenever I am able to stop myself and say - hey relax you are trying so hard to MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY! I am laughing now as I write this. I see that you are relating this to meditaion. I have been a meditation practioner for 23 years and fortunately I generally never thought of it as the creator of happiness - just a way to work with my mind so I tend to work with my mind whether I am sitting on a cushion “meditating’ or driving, talking, sitting at the computer etc.
All the best and thanks for the note Stephen.
Steven,
For years i used to put my relationship life (love & friendship) on hold waiting till i had grown enough to happy. At the time i didn’t realise, but what i was doing was not engaging in relationships because i wanted to be perfect. Anything less, wouldn’t be fair on the other individual (buying a flawed or faulty product was my thought)… so my entire life was an improvement project.
But one day, i heard the old axiom “life is about the journey, not the destination” and something clicked. I am not an improvement project … i am me. And with that realisation, a great weight was lifted from my shoulders. I started to enjoy my life. Even the things that sometimes wen pear-shaped in my life bought a measure of satisfaction. Because it was all me … I’m not trying to improve myself anymore .. coz i know that i am anyway. Instead, i try to appreciate all things and everyone i meet more …
36. One Think At A Time
I hope it’s as obvious to you as it is to me that one cannot think two thoughts at the same time. We are playing in a linear universe and that’s that. If you are thinking something nice you can’t think of something not nice at the same time. If you think sad thoughts you can’t think happy thoughts at the same time.
I stayed overnight at a self-sufficient Benedictine monastery once. They were, and still are, Contemplatives who work very hard (selling high-class jellies and jams). Contemplatives don’t speak, keep their communications to an absolute minimum and restrict even that to minimal gestures. They treasure their vow of silence but the Rule of St. Benedict mandates that the monks be hospitable to visitors and so one was assigned to speak with us. He showed us their well-groomed fields and immaculate kitchens and took us through their graveyard. He pointed to some roughed-up earth where, he said, a monk was buried. There was no stone. He said the dead monk was the greatly beloved former abbot. “Where’s his marker?” and, “Don’t you miss him?” jumped out of my mouth in the same sentence.
Our tour guide (very) gently explained that the abbot’s presence was felt profoundly every day but that they just hadn’t gotten around to carving a stone. Now I was really curious and popped up with, “Who will carve the stone and who carved the coffin?” He said they had no stone-carver but a stone was coming from another monastery. He said there was no coffin as monks were just wrapped in a sheet and “returned to the earth” when they died.
Later that evening (after a Spartan meal of bread and soup) our guide had a short Q and A with us. I tried to compliment him on his very austere life style but he would have none of it. He said, “I admire you with your family responsibilities and working ‘in the world’ every day.”
The good feeling that emanates from St. Joseph’s Abbey in Spencer, MA is so palpable that you sense it just by driving by. I recommend that you make the effort and visit some time. There you will see, as I did, the rewards of keeping your mind occupied with good things and keeping your spirit focused on God.
I’m not moralizing. This linear universe is just a technical fact. If you can only hold one thought at a time and that thought is correct then, for that moment, your life becomes correct, i.e., happy. If you keep stringing correct thoughts together then your life becomes happy for as long as you do it.
Where’s the down side to this situation?
Thank you for the question, Steven.
This is pretty much why I don’t sit in meditation any more. And why often I find myself in meditation as I go about my day. I no longer think of meditation as something I need to sit to do.
I am experiencing a shift towards reality–and for the first time, that shift includes me–as I am in this moment. God is everything, including me, now.
Recently it began to click that none of this is personal, not my actions, not my thoughts, not my feelings, not any of it. I don’t do, think, feel, inquire, or understand. And if that is true, then maybe that is what they mean when they say there is no I involved: how could there be if none of those thoughts, feelings, actions belong to anyone? Why knows and why improve? If whatever it is that expresses through this apparent existence wants to change in one way or the other, it will. If it wants to look improved, fine, and if sometimes it wants to have a little spell, that is becoming more OK too.
I watch. And not even that. And it’s all a game that someone is playing. And all of it is meditation.
Charlotte
Steven,
Once I was able to accept who I am at this moment I was able to accept happiness into my life. I understand I have issues I have to work on and I still have problems. But I can work on them knowing I will improve myself as I go. This is a way of living for me and it make things easier. I no longer have to beat myself up when I fall down.
To me, improving and accepting are two natural phases of life. I enjoy both, although I tend to think
of improving more as playing or creating. My observation is that most people would enjoy more accepting.
My first profound mystical experience came in high school when I read The Book On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are - for me it inspired a huge release of effort and an upwelling of acceptance of myself and everything.
I’m actually happy I started my “improvement project” about 1,5 years ago. It took me to the place where I’m today – and it’s a good place to be!!! What would my life be like if I couldn’t conceive of myself as an improvement project? Maybe I wouldn’t hang out here trying to impress you with clever answers….
(Thinking I need something from you in order to be “fixed”.) Thanking you (and me).
Hi Alessa,
I love your answer!
And, you know, I’m required by law to ask:
Can you absolutely know you wouldn’t be in the place you are today if you hadn’t started your “improvement project”?
(I’m currently enjoying the fantasy of how lovely it must be at your new home now!)